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Tiffany

Battling depression after breaking up with my boy friend, I began drinking heavily & withdrew from friends and family. On the outside I was still me, but inside I was dying! In Sept 2012 I sought counseling at the Eve Center. I was nervous because I felt that my peer counselo would judge me, but she didn’t. I told her how I always felt alone, that I had no one to talk to. I was that person for others but I had no one to be there for me. My biological mother walked out on my dad, brother & me when I was 4 years old. She had begun to do drugs & eventually chose that life over her family. I remember feeling so alone & angry. In my mind I was not meant to be loved; everyone I loved would eventually walk out. But something besides abandonment was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, what caused me to be bitter & keep everyone at a distance? My peer counselor listened patiently, encouraging me to push through – not give up. One session my counselor was asking me questions. I just stared at her, not knowing what to say. The truth had surfaced. I blurted IT out: when I was 6, I was molested by my grandfather, & later that same year, by an uncle. That was all I could say. My counselor showed how it all made sense—why I was so protective of myself & why I wanted to keep others at a distance. I expected to feel sad in all this, even disappointed, but the anger I felt not only towards my grandfather and uncle, but towards God, shocked me. I never knew that I was so angry with God for allowing this to happen to me. As we worked through the effects of the abuse, I felt so betrayed; I knew what was happening was wrong but I felt so powerless to stop it. My voice was also taken from me; I said no but that didn’t stop either of them. I never felt protected. By the age of 6, I learned that family could not be trusted. I also felt I could not trust God & I was not sure why my peer counselor was pushing me to trust in Him through this process. How could I ask God for anything after what He allowed to happen to me? Finally, my counselor asked me to write a letter to God. She told me to pour out my heart to Him & let Him know exactly how I was feeling. So I did just that. I lashed out at God for taking my mother from me, for allowing me to be molested, for sitting back & watching this all happen to me. I could have been married by now with children, living life I felt I should have had by this time, but I couldn’t even think of allowing someone to get that close to me to hurt me. And what if I turned out to be like my mother? What if I walked out on my children? I finally asked the one question that has been burning in my head since the first day: WHY ME?? After writing 10 pages to God, I cried on my living room floor. He met me there. It was very healing and cleansing, as if He was washing away all the hurt & anger I was being freed from abuse & abandonment. I joined the Eve Center recovery group HATCH for women who were sexually abused with leaders who experienced sexual abuse. It was nice to know the people who were going to help me could identify with what I was going through. Now, I help other women find healing & deliverance in their lives as a volunteer peer counselor at the Eve Center. I want every woman to know that with God, you can overcome any obstacle that comes your way! Tiffany B.